Why families avoid the conversation
The reasons are familiar and entirely understandable. Talking about death feels morbid. Parents worry that raising the subject of inheritance will make them seem to be inviting their children to think about when they will be gone. They worry about appearing to show favouritism, or about opening conversations about money that feel uncomfortable or inappropriate.
Adult children often avoid it too - not because they are indifferent, but because asking seems somehow improper. They do not want to appear interested in what they might receive. And so the conversation simply does not happen, and both sides assume, incorrectly, that the other is not ready for it.
The conversation your family avoids today becomes the administrative crisis your executor manages after you die. Information shared in advance costs nothing. Information withheld can cost months of confusion and, in some families, lasting damage to relationships.
What happens when nobody talks
When a parent dies without having shared even the most basic information about their estate, the consequences are practical as much as emotional.
Executors cannot find the Will. Bank accounts are unknown. Pension providers are a mystery. A property that the family assumed was jointly owned turns out to be in a sole name. A life insurance policy, worth a significant sum, lapses unclaimed because nobody knew it existed.
Beyond these practical problems, silence breeds assumptions - and assumptions are frequently wrong. One child assumes the house will go to them because they have lived nearby and provided care. Another assumes the estate will be split equally. A third assumes they were left out of the Will years ago after a falling-out. None of them knows. All of them are guessing. And when the Will is finally found and read, whatever it says will come as a surprise to at least some of them.
Disputes are significantly more likely when beneficiaries feel blindsided. A family that has been told what to expect, even in broad terms, is far better positioned to accept the outcome - even an outcome that disappoints - than one encountering the deceased's wishes for the first time through a solicitor's letter.
What a good conversation actually covers
The conversation does not need to be detailed, and it does not need to happen in a single sitting. The goal is not full disclosure of every asset and its value - it is ensuring that the people who will need to act have enough information to do so.
The Will: that it exists, and where it is
Your executor needs to be able to find the Will quickly. So do your children, in the event that the executor is incapacitated or unavailable. Tell them whether you have a Will, who prepared it, who holds the original, and where a copy can be found.
Who the executor is
The executor is the person with legal authority to administer the estate. If your children do not know who it is, they cannot involve the right person at the right moment. Name the executor and explain the role briefly - many adult children have never heard the term and have no idea what it involves.
Your broad intentions
You do not need to disclose specific amounts. But sharing the broad shape of what you intend - who benefits, whether anything is held in trust, whether there are specific gifts - avoids the shock of the unknown. A child who knows roughly what to expect will receive the Will's contents very differently from one who discovers them cold.
Key documents and where they are
Pension providers, insurance policies, bank account details, property deeds, LPAs - these need to be findable. A simple document listing where key papers are held is one of the most practically valuable things you can create. It costs almost nothing. The hours it saves can be considerable.
Specific possessions
Some of the most heated disputes after a death are not about money - they are about objects. A piece of jewellery. A piece of furniture. A painting that has hung in the house for fifty years. If there are items you intend to go to specific people, say so - in the Will, in a letter of wishes, and in conversation. The combination of all three makes disputes far less likely.
You do not need to disclose exact figures if you are not comfortable doing so. Even knowing where the Will is stored and who the executors are can make a huge difference.
How to approach it
Frame the conversation as practical, not morbid. "I want to make sure that if anything happens to us, things are straightforward for you" is a very different opening from any phrasing that centres death or inheritance directly.
Do not try to cover everything at once. A first conversation might simply establish that a Will exists and where it is. A second might cover the executor and broad intentions. A third might address the LPA and what it means. Spreading it over time makes it feel less like a formal occasion and more like a natural part of how your family talks about important things.
If all your children are involved, consider whether a family meeting - perhaps with a neutral professional present - might be more effective than individual conversations that can easily drift into different versions of the same information.
Whatever you discuss, write it down. A simple letter summarising what you have shared, placed with the Will, gives your executor a reference and reduces the chance of misremembering.
A note for adult children reading this
If you are an adult child who has been meaning to raise this subject with an ageing parent and have not yet done so, this article is as much for you as for your parents. The conversation is easier to initiate than it feels. Frame it as wanting to help, not as wanting to know. "I want to make sure I know what to do if anything happens" is an invitation, not a demand.
Most parents, when gently asked, are relieved rather than offended. Many have been waiting for someone to make it easier to start.
The information in our guides is provided for general information only and is not a substitute for advice based on your individual circumstances.
Wills, trusts, inheritance tax, Lasting Powers of Attorney and estate planning can be complex, and the right approach will depend on your family, finances, assets and wishes. Laws, tax rules, allowances and guidance can also change over time.
You should not act, or decide not to act, solely on the basis of the information in these guides. Where appropriate, you should obtain personalised legal, financial or tax advice before making any decisions.
Reading a guide or completing the Family Risk Review does not create a client relationship with Prime Wills & Estate Planning.